I think that lots of people are confused by me. They hear me sing and hum and quote shows. Nobody looks at me and says, “that girl is nonverbal”, because my mouth doesn’t stop talking. I would not call myself nonverbal, I am super verbal. I never shut up! I would call myself really more non-communicative with my speech. Words can come from my mouth but my thoughts and opinions cannot. The words coming from my mouth is a result of echolalia and scripting.

Why do I script?

I do it for various reasons. It helps me cope in distress and feel regulated. I am very anxious, I always have been. Thanks, autism. The way I soothed myself was with video clips from my favorite shows. I watched them until I memorized everything about these video clips. I’m talking dialogue and pitch inflection and even accents. This way when I don’t have access to watch the clip I can act it out to soothe my anxiety. Just because I can perform Bubble Guppies doesn’t mean I can talk to you. If you find this confusing, imagine how I felt!

Here’s what I know. My brain works and my mouth works, but they refuse to work together. Instead of saying what I think and feel, my mouth blurts out over-practiced phrases. Trust me when I say my brain is not thinking what my mouth is speaking or singing. If you wanna know why my brain and mouth won’t synchronize, it’s very complex. I like to think of my brain and body like a bitterly divorced couple who refuses to work together for my benefit. If you wanna know the actual reason, you can ask Katie*. I figure I’ll let her spell it out because I’d rather use my motor skills to share my experiences.

Basically, if you wanna converse, we can type but not talk. Is it the most convenient way to communicate? No. But it’s more convenient than my unreliable speech!

*Katie is my spelling and typing teacher.